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Date My Daughter?

Posted On 06/06/2009 20:23:56

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

 


 



 


 


NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

 


 



 


 


NAME_____________________________________

 


 



 


 


DATE OF BIRTH_____________

 


 



 


 


HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________

 


 



 


 


IQ__________ GPA_____________

 


 



 


 


SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________

 


 



 


 


DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

 


 



 


 


BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______ ____________________________________

 


 



 


 


HOME ADDRESS_______________________

 


 



 


 


CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

 


 



 


 


Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

 


 



 


 


Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No

 


 



 


 


If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

 


 



 


 


Number of years they have been married ______________________________

 


 



 


 


If less than your age, explain ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________

 


 



 


 


ACCESSORIES SECTION

 


 



 


 


A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

 


 



 


 


B. A truck with oversized tires? ; __Yes __No

 


 



 


 


C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

 


 



 


 


D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

 


 



 


 


E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

 


 



 


 


F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

 


 



 


 


(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

 


 


ESSAY SECTION

 


 



 


 


 In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

 


 



 


 


In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

 


 



 


 


In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ___________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

 


 



 


 


REFERENCES SECTION

 


 



 


 


Church you attend: ___________________________________________________

 


 



 


 


How often you attend ________________________________________________

 


 



 


 


When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________ mother? _____________ pastor? _____________

 


 



 


 


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION

 


 



 


 


Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

 


 



 


 


A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ______________________________________________________________

 


 



 


 


B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________

 


 



 


 


C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________

 


 



 


 


D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________

 


 



 


 


E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

 


 



 


 


F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________

 


 



 


 


F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

 


 



 


 


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

 


 



 


 



 


 


Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) _______________________________ ________________________________

 


 



 


 


Mother's Signature/Father's Signature _______________________________ ________________________________

 


 



 


 


Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back) To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.


 


 



 


Daddy's Rules for Dating

 


 



 


 


Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering


 


 a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 


 



 


 


Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at


 


her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot


 


keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 


 



 


 


Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your


 


age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their


 


hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are


 


complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so


 


I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear


 


showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in


 


order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course


 


of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten


 


your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 


 



 


 


Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without


 


utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,


 


when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 


 



 


 


Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each


 


other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.


 


Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an


 


indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my


 


house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

 


 



 


 


Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many


 


opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay


 


with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,


 


you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you


 


make her cry, I will make you cry.

 


 



 


 


Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to


 


appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want


 


to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is


 


putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the


 


Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do


 


something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 


 



 


 


Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my


 


daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a


 


wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is


 


dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient


 


temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank


 


tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a


 


goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic


 


or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are


 


okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 


 



 


 


Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,


 


middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I


 


am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you


 


are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the


 


whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five


 


acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 


 



 


 


Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake


 


the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice


 


paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange syndrome starts acting up, the


 


voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to


 


bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should


 


exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,


 


announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely


 


and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.


 


The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 


 



 


 



 


 



 


 



 


Folks, I don’t know who wrote this so I can’t give them credit, but I would like to shake their hand!  I have three daughters and ALL boys showing up at our door will be handed an application!!

 


 



 


 



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Viewing 1 - 4 out of 4 Comments

06/30/2009 21:55:09
thems all the qustions i got asked


06/28/2009 20:19:57
Yep


06/28/2009 17:47:35
ha ha ...my dad is my only parent, my mom passed away when i was little...so this sounds just like him just he is 10x worse


06/15/2009 09:59:20
Hey Carrie,

That picture is perfect and that application is extremely funny. If I ever have kids I will make sure I print that out and give it out.

Jeff


http://dixieoutfitters.com

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