shelly sent this one!
----- MEMO ----- To: Southern USA Residents From: Santa I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth,my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I alsoget longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However,I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your localreplacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side ofthe family in from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toysto all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differencesbetween us. Differences such as: 1. There is no danger of a Grinchstealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on hissleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."
2. Instead of milk andcookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and porkrinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe.He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh ispulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I madethe mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, andBlitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "OnComet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives.Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte.On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southernhighway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safetytriangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!" The last I heard italso had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford orChevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is acaricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you will see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State Patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear abelt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn theother way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town". This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. These song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus shot the jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's, "All I want for Christmas is my Woman and a Six-opack", and Hank Williams Jr's "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Shove It."
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
